Let’s compare two answers to a question.The topic is as follows:
International tourism has brought enormous benefit to many places. At the same time, there is concern about its impact on local inhabitants and the environment. Do the disadvantages of international tourism outweigh the disadvantages?
A Poor Essay - The following is a band 5 essay.
International tourism has brought enormous benefit to many places. At the same time, there is concern about its impact on local inhabitants and the environment. Do the disadvantages of international tourism outweigh the advantages?
In my opinion advantages outweight the disadvantages. Firstly, many countries like Egypt or Tailand live from tourism Lots of people work there as a seilsmens or tourist guides. These countries without support of tourists wouldn’t be able to funtcion properly.
Secondly, in countries visited by tourists are plenty of places where people just can’t pass because of rare animals or plants.
Another thing is that people like traveling and seeing new exotic places. They like lie on the beach or swim in ocean.
Furthermore, tourism is now more growing industry highering tousands of people. There are makeing new places to work and to have fun.
But on the other hand, people often forget that they aren’t the only beings on the planet.
Many tourists are living garbage just anywhere. Some of them wan’t an exotic souvenir so they pay for illegal things like dead or live animals or some sculpture.
To sum up I think international traveling is a good thing but people must realise that there is something else besides them. They need to know that flora and fauna needs to be protected. People have to enjoy their holidays but alsow protect environment.
Below is an analysis of this essay.
Task Response.
The essay question has been copied and used as the introduction (paragraph 1). Once these 34 words are taken off the word count, the response is underlength at 194 words and so loses marks. Nevertheless, the topic is addressed and a relevant position is expressed, although there are patches - as in the third paragraph - where the development is unclear. Other ideas are more relevant but are sometimes insufficiently developed.
Coherence and Cohesion.
The candidate’s ideas are clearly organised, and there is an overall progression within the response. There is some effective use of a range of cohesive devices (e.g. connectives like “Secondly” and “Furthermore”). Referencing is also sometimes used effectively (e.g. in paragraph 4, the use of “they” in the second sentence to refer to “people” in the first sentence). However, there is also some mechanical over-use of linkers in places (e.g. “But on the other hand,” paragraph 6). As well, paragraphs are sometimes rather too short and inappropriate.
Lexical Resource.
A range of vocabulary is attempted, and this is adequate for a good response to the task. However, control of the vocabulary is weak, and there are frequent spelling errors which can cause some difficulties for the reader (e.g. “seilsmens” instead of “salesmen,”paragraph 2). This lowers the mark.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
The candidate uses a mix of simple and complex structures with frequent subordinate clauses. Control of complex structures is variable, and although errors are noticeable, they only rarely make it difficult to understand the message.
A Good Essay - The following is a band 7 essay.
Tourism is a very big industry in the modern time and is growing quite rapidly. Thousands of people travel everywhere to various destinations every year. Arguments have come up regarding the benefits and negative impacts of tourism in places and on its local inhabitants and environment; however, I believe there are more advantages than disadvantages of international tourism.
People travel for various reasons; we travel for business purposes, holidays, visit friends and relatives etc. Travelling is mostly seen as a recreational activity. Tourism has many advantages. Tourism can play a tremendous part in a countrys economy, the more tourists visit a country and spend money there, the better it is for the country; that way more money is circulated within the country and even the stability of their currencys rate of exchange persists if not improve. Vendors and shops get to sell more goods and make an income. Tourism also has its non-monetary advantages; it brings cultures and people closer. People from all around the world get to share their culture with each other and even learn more. This is a good opportunity in education.
Tourism seems to have some disadvantages too; However, I believe the problems caused by tourism are not something that cannot be solved or prevented. A lot of people believe that tourism can destroy or deviate culture and causes quite an impact on visited locations, such as pollution and littering. People can adhere to their own beliefs and way of life if they want to; no one can really forcefully influence someone to change from their morals and ethics. Pollution can be avoided by increasing usage of environmental friendly vehicles used for tours and rents, warnings and visual education on littering and smoking, specific times can be allocated for tours to certain areas, such as peak times where local inhabitants feel uncomfortable due to too many foreigners.
Where there are problems there can always be solutions. Tourism brings great amount of advantages for any place in many ways and is a “win-win” exchange process. The very few problems caused can always be avoided or taken care of. I believe tourism should be highly promoted, specially in traditional and poor countries with natural beauty such as Thailand.
Below is an analysis of this essay.
Task Response.
The candidate addresses both aspects of the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. Main ideas are generally clear and relevant,although some supporting ideas lack focus, as in the opening of paragraph 2.
Coherence and Cohesion.
Ideas are generally wellorganised, and there is a clear overall progression with only minor lapses where points are not well-integrated into the argument. A range of cohesive devices is used effectively, although there is some under-use of connectives and substitution, and some lapses in the use of referencing.
Lexical Resource.
A good range of vocabulary is used with some flexibility and precision. The candidate has a good awareness of style and collocation, although occasional awkward expressions or incorrect word choices and word form lower the mark.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
A good range of sentence structures is used with a high level of accuracy resulting in frequent error-free sentences. Minor systematic errors persist, however, and punctuation is unhelpful at times.
